How Not to Write an Article

  By Madison R.        

  Pres Perser Persevere Perseverance. Just attempting to spell the word without autocorrect is a practice in the principle itself. Webster’s defines perseverance as, “continued effort to do achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition.” What it fails to mention is that, in the world of amateur journalism, that ‘opposition’ may come in the from of hazardous low-fat apple sauce and that the ‘continued effort’ may involve imbibing unhealthy amounts of caffeine or actually having to speak to another human (yikes!). As a person admittedly reliant on the powers of Google, the conundrum of writing an article for the first time is inextricable, due to the fact that there is no article on how to write an article. Trust me. I Googled it. Repeatedly.

I originally resolved to write an article about under appreciation of cafeteria workers,

with the objective of conducting an interview with one of the lunchroom staff at my school. As you have hopefully noticed by now, there is a curious dearth of an interview right about here. That is because I failed. Not only did I fail, true to form, I failed my first assignment spectacularly. I have chosen to classify the following venture as How Not to Write an Article in 3ish Stumbles That May Be Perceived As Steps From Afar for reasons that will become apparent.

Step 1, Fail to realize that low-fat applesauce can and will kill you. I have never been the most sure-footed by any measure, but this one certainly reaffirms my title of reigning Klutz Queen. After filing all necessary paperwork and consulting several different administrators, the only person left to approve my interview proposition was the one person who would actually schedule and arrange it. My principal. It may sound foreboding, and it was, but I knew the principal to be kind thus far and was in respectable standing with her through different school involvements. All of this hope was soon to be annihilated by low-fat applesauce. I plucked up my courage and went to speak to her where she sat across the lunchroom floor, which unbeknownst to me, was riddled with puddles of spilled lunchroom brand low-fat applesauce. Stepping in one, there was a sudden lack of friction between my foot and the floor. I glided gracefully for approximately 3.5 seconds before falling face-first to my imminent death in front of my principal. I only in fact died of embarrassment for a few moments, as you may note that there is an article and not an obituary in this slot. The principal was somehow rather unnerved at having five feet of flailing teenager hurtle towards her and my interview request didn’t come off quite as planned. I suppose she got too occupied with school ending or me collapsing next to her influenced something, but I never heard back from her before leaving to continue my career of public humiliation in high school.

Step 2, Procrastinate. Along with my title as Klutz queen, I dually rule the Procrastination Nation with an iron fist. Or I guess I’ll get around to ruling it later. Whoops. Surprisingly, it is not the most advisable course of action to have to change topics a few days before article submission and then wait until the last possible moment to write said article at three AM. I did however; accomplish watching two seasons of a TV show and crocheting half a scarf to try to avoid writing this article.

Step 3, Drink several gallons of coffee late at night to try to finish your article. I think this one speaks for itself.

Step 3.5, Accidently disable your keyboard’s autocorrect while typing the article. Try to correct the problem and watch through tears of desperation as the entire interface of your laptop’s word processor begins to shut down. Reboot. Turn off. Cry and eat Nutella. Reboot.

In all seriousness, failure is not an uncommon thing amongst journalists of all ages and calibers, at least according to Google. Just look up the “Journalist Attacked by Flock of Ostriches” video and it’s very easy to see that it could have been much worse for me if my principal had been an angry six foot tall avian and not a bewildered professional educator. Lying face down on the cafeteria floor, part of me would like to think that failing repeatedly is the only way to really succeed. To quote the cinema masterpiece that is the The Lego Movie, “I know that sounds like a cat poster, but it’s true.” As soon as you fail a few times, hitting the cafeteria floor hurts a little less. And sometimes, in journalism or any other area of life, you don’t fail quite as bad and we call it “success”. If it means I get to keep writing and getting closer to that “success” thing I hear happens to other people, I can’t wait to fail again.